Coming Out of the Broom Closet

I hadn't intended on "coming out of the broom closet" as they say.  At least, not the way I had.

The night before Thanksgiving here in the U.S., I went over to my boyfriend's mother's house to help her make pies.  She makes two types; a pale type and a darker one.  Justin, my boyfriend, favors the light type and I thought I'd help her out (she makes three for her own thanksgiving, and promised five to her church) and learn the recipe all in one fell swoop.

Everything went remarkably well.  She's a very well-read individual, very family-oriented, calm, sweet.  I've never heard her say anything harsh or even imply she wished nothing but the best for anyone.  So I'm not so sure why I was so hesitant about telling her that I wasn't a Christian, other than a presumption on my part.  Every devout person I have talked to about it before - and I'll be honest, it's not like I've told hundreds of people, just a handful - they all seemed to react the same way: they insist I need to be saved, that I'm going to hell, and if only I let Jesus into my heart....

Well, you know the drill.

So I assumed that she would act the same.  And when the subject of religion came up, I started opening up to her instinctively.  I told her that I wasn't Christian; and she turned to me with genuine interest.  "Then what are you?"

I smiled nervously, realizing at that moment that I opened the door too far to slink back into the shadows.  "I'm Wiccan."

And just like that, I said it.

Sure, it doesn't seem like much.  Just two little words.  All my previous experiences were there, cautioning me in the background.  Inside, I cringed and held my breath.

But she just smiled, shook her head, and continued with her conversation.  Just like that.  No condescension, no proselytizing.  I wasn't treated differently in any way.  There was just gentle acceptance.  It was quite refreshing.

Ultimately, I learned something very important from that experience.  I can't allow my experiences with those who are not as open-minded or well-read cloud my judgment; what they did does not necessarily mean that others will do the same.  I allowed an inner shadow to control that part of my life, to generate unfounded fear and to act on said fear.  Now that I have recognized the fear and conquered it - even if it wasn't intentionally done - I feel as though a weight has been lifted off my shoulders.  I can't believe how freeing it is to make such a simple statement.  Does it mean I'll tell everyone I meet?  Certainly not.  But it does mean that I am more willing to reveal that part of myself when the subject comes up, rather than carefully avoiding it.  It means that I no longer expect anyone I tell to react in the worst way possible.

I also realized that if I wish to gain something, I have to be willing to risk something.  I can't expect to reach a new level of trust or closeness within a friendship if I'm not willing to reveal something personal.  I believe it was Birch from the Sacred Grove who said that equal exchange is necessary for those things that aren't necessary, and that that seems to be something that more and more neopagans seem to ignore or refuse to believe.  But I think he has a valid point.  Everyone has the right to expect the bare necessities of survival, I think, and should feel free to ask their deities for help on that.  But when it comes to non-necessities... something must be given to be gained.  Equal exchange, even if simply in the form of energy rather than money, should be expected.  You can't expect everything for nothing.

I certainly hadn't expected that epiphany for Thanksgiving this year.

Being More Active in the Pagan Community

Being a solitary practitioner is a rather lonely endeavor, and one that not everyone would actively choose.  While I like to think that I don't choose this solitary path, I can't help but doubt it; just because I don't know another pagan personally (online in other states and countries don't count) does NOT mean I HAVE to be solitary.  It's within my power to change that.

I truly believe that we are all where we are in our lives due to our own choice, conscious or no.  If we're happy, content, and positive, it's because we choose to be; we put in the effort to go after the things that make us happy, have the wisdom to enjoy it while it lasts, and make a conscious effort to look on the bright side of things, thus attracting more good things (like attracts like).  But if we're bitter, depressed, and negative, it's because we want to be; we choose to dwell on bad situations, seek vengeance, allow ourselves to expect the worst from people and situations, fulfilling a self-proclaimed negative prophecy.  If we don't want to be or experience those things, then it is in our power to change our lives and mold it into what we want.  No, it's our responsibility to do those things.  No one else can do this but us.  

So to go on about how lonely it is being a solitary practitioner is one thing, if you have no choice.  But after I wrote out a long post to this blog and began proofreading, I realized something: not only was I whining about something that could be changed, I was doing it for compassion and consolation, not for brainstorming ideas on how to resolve the problem.  

Acknowledging you have a problem is always the first step in resolving it.  I do have a problem.  Defining and figuring out what the problem is is next.  So what is the problem?  Well, being a solitary practitioner isn't the problem.  There's nothing wrong with being a solitary; coven life isn't for everyone, and it allows me to tailor my path to what I feel is necessary.  It does lack the structure that I crave, though.  But being solitary isn't the problem; feeling disconnected from others of like mind is.  The feeling of loneliness and isolation is.  

And this is completely within my control to change.  If I want to have pagan friends, it's ultimately up to me to put myself out there.  I can complain about how not having transportation puts a damper on things, true.  I can even say that money is tight enough that public transportation would be somewhat difficult.  Difficult.  Not impossible.  

So, if I take a step back and look at the problem objectively, then there's bound to be a solution.  Let's see... 

Problem:  feeling of disconnect, loneliness and isolation from the pagan community.  

Opposite Extreme:  extremely busy social life and emotionally drained from said social life.  

Happy Medium:  a few pagan friends that I can hang out with frequently (i.e. weekly or every other week) basis (ideally), or more interaction between pagan groups/individuals online.  

Ways to achieve this:  

• Apartment Gatherings.  Our apartment has a small monthly party for anyone who lives in the apartment complex to attend.  There's a theme, and you're expected to bring something to share with everyone else, but I suppose a bag of chips and salsa wouldn't be too complicated.  The chances of meeting another pagan there are pretty slim, but you never know unless you put yourself out there.  
• Local Occult Shops.  There aren't any in the immediate area, but there are some within a 15 mile radius.  I think I saw a listing on Witchvox, but I'm not too sure on how accurate and up-to-date the list happens to be.  Maybe ask the employees here if there are any flyers or known groups within the area... if they offer classes, maybe check out how much they are and see if I can't join one.  
• Meet Up.  I know some pagan groups use this site.  Maybe I should check it out and see if there are any groups in the area that use this site.  
• Make Youtube Video Replies.  Probably the easiest thing to do, requiring the least effort.  I don't mind making videos - I've made plenty that I never actually uploaded to youtube for various reasons - so I think making video responses and replies to videos would be a good starting off point.  Even if it's just to say "loved your video!  Can't wait for the next one!"  
• Reply to Blogs.  Including this one.  I've always preferred the writing medium, so I should probably use it more, lol.  There are several insanely good pagan blogs out there - like the above comment with youtube, I should probably make more of an effort to engage people in conversation.  

Possible Obstacles:  

• Transportation.  The biggest issue.  I don't drive, and my boyfriend works second shift - not to mention the car has been overheating lately, and we don't have the spare money to replace the radiator just yet.  I've never been a fan of public transit, but I've used it before... I suppose I could use it again.  
• Money.  Not too much of an issue.  I can scrape up $20 if I need to, but not more than that at a time, unfortunately.  
• Shyness.  The biggest issue and underlying problem.  When I don't know you all that well, I prefer to observe quietly; I don't trust wholeheartedly or easily.  Trust is earned slowly, through gradual exchange in a safe environment.  I guess it's something that was ingrained into me being raised in the inner city of Cleveland... there are a lot of weird, sick, perverted people out in the world.  I was always taught to be on my guard.   
• Self-Esteem.  My self-esteem is just not where it used to be.  Maybe some positive affirmations and small goals that can be relatively easy to accomplish will make this situation better.  Meditation with my rose quartz, focusing on self-love and acceptance may be something that would help, as well.  Rose quartz water may improve the situation temporarily, too.  
• Procrastination.  I do have a habit of procrastinating whenever I possibly can.  It's not a good thing, and it is something that I do try to combat, but it gets the best of me sometimes.  Maybe I can set up one day a week where I force myself out of the house (weather permitting).  

Already, I feel better about the situation.  Now all I have to do is stick to it, and follow through!